Dear Mother
by All Tears Must Fall
Summary: A letter by Ellis to his mother, giving an alternative ending to his story.


Dear Mother,

I have a confession to make and I doubt you will be pleased. Rather, I think you may hate me for it yet I must ask for your forgiveness. You see, Mama… I have left the army. Run away. A deserter.

I can almost picture you now with that incredulous expression on your face. 'Why is he doing this? He was so excited to join the army.' And I was, I truly was, but it is different out here. What these journalists, the so-called spreaders of good news and fortune, tell you is drivel. Lies, I do believe. Out on these God forsaken fields I have witnessed men blown apart, others holding their dying comrades in their arms as their life leaked into the rat infested filth on the floor. Such things no one should witness. I entered this war a boy with a clear conscience and a free spirit. Anything and everything was possible if one really tried to succeed.

I was an optimistic fool.

Perhaps you are recalling that slight faze of faddism I had a few years ago when I bounced between cricket, rugger, football and back again. You are saying 'surely he will change his mind and return to his men. They need him.' You are correct, they do need me but I shan't be going back. I am as easy to replace as the fallen officer I took over from and besides if I was to go back it would be suicide, I would be shot. In all honesty I would be more likely to survive skipping across No Man's Land to have a chat with the Boche. It is funny how I always seem to babble in these letters yet I feel so comfortable spilling words onto this page knowing that it will be in your hands. Through these letters I keep a connection between us though I may be ruining it with this letter.

Please understand, mama, that I am no coward. No matter what anyone else tells you that has never been the case. I embraced my duties as a Junior Officer and supported the men under my command through thick and thin but there comes a time when one has to say 'enough is enough'. When I went into this war I had nothing to lose, no love waiting for me to return. Since I came here though, I have been given a gift that I dare not waste lest I never find it again. So as I said I am now coward – there is a justifiable reason I left.

Mother, I am in love.

In all my life I have never felt such intense emotions. There is something about this person that draws me to them like a moth to a flame. My desire is so great, the connection so strong, that to deny I feel I would be tearing my very soul apart. We could not bear the idea of losing one another, even for King and country, so we escaped.

Surely by now you will have come to the conclusion that I have met a wonderful local girl who has since been swept off her feet. Unfortunately, I must disappoint you now for you see I have not found such a girl in these damned trenches; it is in fact a man who has stolen my heart.

It is impossible to stay away from him, he is so compelling; an undeniable force who matches my needs on every level. I do hope I meet his…

Please do not show this letter to the Vicar screaming for your son to be forgiven of sodomy; I do not deserve nor do I want forgiveness from a God who lets innocent lives perish to nothing in pointless wars. I am happy, truly happy, for the first time in my life. I _need_ him, mama, and I shan't be letting go any time soon.

You understand – I know you do! You have felt like this before, perhaps with Father, maybe with another, but that sense of everything being right in the world must surely be sensed by everybody at some point in their life, right? This is it for me, just him. It was far from an easy decision, choosing between my heart and the pride I felt for my country, and I suspect it shall be a decision I may come to regret at some points in my life although deep down I will always know it was right escaping into the night with him, heart on my sleeve. The way this war is going… I cannot risk losing him and, although he may not say it, I know he feels the same way.

He is rather inclined to long periods of silence then in the blink of an eye could be raging at the closest Private… rather amusing really. Granted it can be a tad intimidating, particularly when he is in full swing but don't worry, I give as good as I get!

I may never see you again. This, in fact, could be our final correspondence even though I hope the chance will arise. It would not be safe for all three of us; he and I must get far away from this place and I need to protect you in every way I can as I can no longer do it in person, hence way I won't even tell you his name. At this point it is unclear where we might end up, perhaps somewhere where speaking the French language is a desirable skill; that is all I can tell you. Oh, and also that I love you. Very much.

Mama, you have been there with me through thick and thin; for every time I have cried and needed a comforting embrace, for each moment of failure when you picked me up off the ground and for all the encouragement along the way, telling me I can do so much better each time I try. I now have him for that yet there will always be a part of me wanting my dear mother. I will think about you every day as I start this new great adventure.

Gosh, I remember when I said such a similar phrase before I left for the army! In fact, think of this like that. I have ended one experience and it is now time to move on to greater things. Do they not say that the grass is always greener on the other side?

Goodbye dearest Mother. Please send my love to those in the village and remember that you will be forever cherished in my heart until my last breath.

Your ever-loving son,

Leslie Ellis II


End file.
